Ordinary Life!

It would have been quite interesting indeed to witness an actual transmogrification taking place in real time had it not been so personally relevant. As such, watching our simple lion cub as he metamorphosesinto a full-fledged ass is no fun at all.

Nor is it any fun to watch, helplessly, and from afar, one’s own 60-something mother as she suffers from the pains of a broken shoulder blade, and one’s own 30-something friend as he goes through the anguish of chemo-therapy.

If only I could eat your cancer, my friend…

If only I can be your shoulder Mother. But look how important my ideals have made me! I should have been just another willingly naïve reformer working for the benefit of the regime-cum-country, I guess. Or just another hapless citizen groveling in some dark corner somewhere constantly licking his wounded pride, constantly trying to reassemble his all too shattered sense of humanity and dignity.

But no, I just had to be that loudmouth idealist-cum-narcissist-cum-messianic-buffoon, didn’t I Mother?, and end up being quite useless to the people that mean everything to me, in the hope of becoming of some use to people who wouldn’t give me the time of day, and most do indeed hate everything I stand for!!! That’s a pretty smart deal, don’t you think Mother? You must really be so proud of me lying motionless in your bed waiting for what you know cannot happen at this stage.

The funny thing, the really painful thing, is that I know you ARE proud of me, of all things, of all silly things.

Now I know that life is not supposed to be all fun and games, but lately it has become a little too much of a pain in the everywhere to be worth any Goddamn thing.

I truly desperately long these days for that place out there, that place that I can only hope that it does indeed exist and that it is not a hapless figment of my longing, where I can, I sincerely want to believe, live, in every sense of the word, Beyond Good and Evil and beyond Time and Being, to make it a place worth living in, worth spending one’s last few years in.

In the interim though, there is simply no escaping the necessities, absurdities and sheer pain, as ennobling as we wish it to be, of ordinary life.

5 thoughts on “Ordinary Life!

  1. Ammar, (1) I wish your freind and mother a speedy recovery. I can relate , somewhat to your situation as I have a colleague who is currently undergoing an aggresive chemo regiment and my old mother is 4000 miles away. (2) The world is a much better place when there are those that would rather live by some principles that are costly rather than just exist. My admiration to all of you.

  2. Ammr,I hope your mother and friend feels better soon. Be proud man, you are on the right path; I hope in the near future your hard work will flirt with a “Damascus Summer” !!

  3. Ammar,My sincere wishes for your Mother’s quick recovery.. My heart-felt sympathy for your concerns over your friend’s illness. I sincerely hope that chemotherapy would result in a quick and long-lasting remission..There is no doubt in my mind that the hardest thing about having chosen to live abroad is embodied in the emotions that you have posted.. The conflict between longing to spread your wings and fly, free from oppression and false limitations, and the sense of duty and love and commitment that most of us have towards those left behind…Damn that oppressive regime that forces us to choose one over the other.. I just hope that I would see the day when people like you and me would be able to enjoy both freedom and hope, AND closeness to those we care about..

  4. Thank you all so very much for your encouraging comments and sympathy. I do feel refreshed somehow. Indeed, I am sure my mother will do well, eventually. Bones take time to heel at her age. But I talked to her earlier today, and she sounded quite fine, and as strong willed as ever. I just hope that my friend’s treatment will also go well.Agai though, thanks for your kind words.

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